36. Having To Face Reality ~ 7th July

I'm having a massive, long overdue clear out in the house. I've had to make the difficult decision to get rid of every CD I own. What's the point of keeping them if I can't hear them? I look at the song list on the back of the cases, most songs bringing back a wonderful memory. I have a lump in my throat and my eyes fill up as I know I will never hear them again. I wish I could hear enough to play them just once more. I scoop them all up into a bag ready to take to the charity shop. My stereo and iPod will be in the next bag.

23. Day 2: The Crown Jewels and Paw Yogi ~ 18th June

This morning we discussed lip reading and we practiced various sentences such as "I went to London to visit Buckingham Palace to see the Crown Jewels". We lipread where each of us lives i.e. Leatherhead, Staines, Ashtead, Farnham, Guildford and Shepperton. We used words that sound similar to each other ie pad, bad, mad. We also talked about certain numbers i.e. 13 & 30, 14 & 40, 15 & 50, 16 & 60, 17 & 70, 18 & 80, 19 & 90 - stand in front of a mirror and notice how similar the lips look like for each pair of numbers. The hearing people were told that using their fingers to indicate the number. The lady came over to me and suggested I learn sign language as she thought it would be more beneficial to me than the older students, so she kindly said she'll look into it for me. We also talked about assertiveness and asking people to stand in good lighting, ask them to repeat what they have said, ask them to speak up and for us to keep asking until we achieve what we set out to get. When you ask a hearing person to repeat something, they will say it exactly the same way as before. We were told to ask people to speak slower (not necessary louder because the person will shout and this alters their lip movements, making it even harder to lipread), ask them to face me, ask them to use different words, ask them to keep their hands away from their mouth and if necessary ask them to write it down (I haven't had to use it yet but I now always carry a small notebook with me). I have found that with significant hearing loss you have to be more assertive as well as confident, which I am struggling with. When you can't hear someone behind a counter for example, it is too easy to look at the person you are with to get them to repeat it to you. The thing I find the hardest is going into a noisy restaurant, cafe, bar etc and asking them to turn the music down. I have never had the confidence to ask yet as I have always asked someone to do it for me.

The hearing people were given headphones to wear which were attached to a MP3 player playing white music and then huge builders headphones on top. Those who managed to keep them on for the duration of the break, the rest of the session and lunch, reported how tired, confused and isolated they felt. Whilst I would never wish for anyone to feel like that, it was a good exercise to allow hearing people to experience a taster of being hard of hearing. The big difference of course is that they were able to remove the headphones, either when they couldn't hear what somebody was saying to them or when they had simply had enough. We (the hard of hearing) were told that we should always make time for regular non-concentration breaks to stop us getting so tired. A snooze every afternoon does sound appealing don't yo think?!

A lady from an audiology unit of a nearby hospital talked about hearing aids, what they do, whether private hearing aids are better than NHS hearing aids and so on.

She said that all hearing aids do is make things louder and whilst she's the expert, I disagree. It is true that hearing aids amplify sounds, but it is not a case of making peoples voices louder. Background noise become louder, music becomes louder, building work becomes louder. Do individual voices become louder? For me the answer is no. Even with my fancy hearing aids which are meant to minimise background noise, these other noises can overpower the sounds I want to hear making them hurt my ears and making me tired. My reason for disagreeing with the lady is because the hearing aids don't just amplify noises but make them sound different to the way I used to hear them when my hearing was good. A lot of noises sound 'tinny', some people sound as though they don't have any teeth(!) etc. I will write more about this topic in a future post.

I noticed yesterday that there were two people at the course along with a dog which had a coat on it saying it was a hearing dog. The couple, Steve and Chris, were in fact volunteers. Chris has good hearing whilst her husband Steve can hardly hear a thing. This is where Yogi comes in. Yogi, a soft gentle and placid dog, hadn't had the best start to his life, but things changed when the charity 'hearing dogs' found him. After a very long period of training he was found to be a suitable match for Steve. Steve said that Yogi had changed his life for the better. I've got a few questions lined up for Steve and Yogi tomorrow as I want to know more!

              

We had a social event in the evening. Our "classroom" had been transformed by the staff; all the tables had been moved around and were beautifully set. We had been told that there would be evening entertainment....a magician. I automatically had visions of a clown prancing around, not my idea of fun (sorry if there are any clowns reading this!). Therefore I was relieved to see a man in a suit with no face paint in sight. The evening turned out to be great fun with the magician going from table to table. With a lot of persistence I succeeded in getting the magician to reveal some of his tricks to me! He even told me his biggest secret which is.....I suppose I shouldn't reveal all to you in my post though! The evening made me realise that I must never have a career as a magician. I was worse than awful!

21. My listening feet ~ 14th June

At this very moment, I am sitting outside at a huge outdoor concert with an audience of 6000. There are some famous singers and a well known orchestra........... What a noise! However whilst all of the audience have smiles on their faces, I want to stick my fingers in my ears. 

Try turning your television to the loudest volume it will go to and listen to how distorted it sounds. Now also turn the volume up as loud as it will go on your radio and change the channel between one programme and another until you hear really loud crackling noises. Probably a better description is when you listen to music coming through massive speakers (ie at parties, concerts etc) when there is a sudden deafening, screeching noise. The sound is painful in my ear. For a second I wish I am completely deaf in both ears but then realise what I have just thought and immediately tell myself off. 

Although some of the performers are clearer than others, I've decided to take my hearing aids out. I can't hear a lot of the music now despite being fairly near the front, but I am relieved to not have the pain in my ear anymore. I am reminded of when I went to Mamma Mia a few weeks ago when I felt the vibrations of the music through the floor. Here the music is obviously loud as I can feel the strong vibrations go up my entire body. Unfortunately the difference is that I know Abba music far better than I do Aled Jones (unless he had sung "The Snowman", which he surprisingly didn't!) for example, which does help!

As you can tell, I've given up. I've got my phone out and I am writing this post for my blog.

Later in the evening, everyone starts waving their Union Jack flags (given out at the start of the evening). I realise what is being sung and quickly pick up the vibrations of "Rule Britannia" through my feet. I immediately put my hearing aids back on. I immerse myself back into the concert. Just as the orchestra stops playing, my feet reveal the "Sailor's Hornpipe", a favourite of mine which always makes me smile. 

When I was at school I was told that when writing a story, the beginning, middle and end are always the most important parts. Thankfully this evening has been that way too.

18. An amazing upbeat day ~ 2nd June

It was my sisters final recital for her music degree today. I was really, really touched as on the back of the programme it said "dedicated to my amazing sister". Alright, the word 'amazing' wasn't printed but I'm sure that's what she meant to say! Why did those four words mean so much to me? I would have been honoured anyway as she could have dedicated it to another family member, a friend or not dedicated it to anyone for that matter. It was the fact that my hearing is so poor and what ever happens in the future, I will always remember that she has given me those sounds and joy. That is the biggest gift she could give me right now. As well as that she was fantastic and I am so proud of her.

Later, someone who I have never met before approached me and said they had been following my blog and how "inspirational" it is. During a difficult period of their life, writing a blog helped them focus on something positive and they couldn't have got through that dreadful period of their life without it. They said that they hoped it would help me in the same way. They ended the conversation by kindly saying two graciously used words "thank you". Again I was overcome.