I've been feeling really sorry for myself today and do you know what? I don't care. Who said we shouldn't feel sorry for ourselves? Someone must have instilled that in me as a child although goodness knows who. I'm not suggesting that you wallow in self pity your whole life, but surely it's better to acknowledge your feelings rather than fight to put on a fake smile for the world whilst conning yourself. A psychotherapist I know described losing my hearing as a grieving process and it is important for me to treat it as any other loss. Also what's this saying about "there's always someone worse off than you"? Of course I know that there are people far, far worse off than me in the world and it's desperately sad but that's not helping me this very moment and it also doesn't help them right now.
I managed to put on a fake smile and I went out for lunch with a dear 87 year old man who isn't my uncle but I call him 'Uncle'! I can't have heard more than twenty words he said to me during the meal. I closely observed his eyes, the way his mouth moved, the fine lines on his face and his expressions, examining which expression to respond to, whether to laugh, look sad or look normal. I noticed that every time he looked down or played with the stem of his wine glass that he had finished talking about that particular topic. That was my opportunity to jump in and start my own conversation so it looked as though I was participating throughout the meal. I found the situation very upsetting. He really kindly invited me to go to Austria next year however I am fearful that I won't be able to hear him, that's if I can hear anything at all.
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